birth
February 8th, 2011
I’m sure I saw this joke somewhere over the weekend, but I can’t find the source anywhere. If you know where I stole it from, let me know, and I’ll put up a link.
J&M four years ago today: race.
UPDATE: Thanks to all who pointed out possible sources. It was most likely a retweet of @MinouChatte that I saw. It is also a demotivational poster and a t-shirt. So not very original, I’m afraid – though this might be the first time it’s been turned into a “Your mum” joke.
oooh that hurts. jesus was like totally pwned
hahaha you got served jesus
For a split second I thought J&M had stooped to “your mum” jokes, then light dawned. Hee hee!
I saw the joke re-tweeted by PZ Myers; can’t remember who posted the original–so search Twitter. At any rate–spot on!
ouch! whi-tisshh!! jesus got whipped!
“Source”: http://verydemotivational.memebase.com/2011/02/04/demotivational-posters-abstinence
I can haz halal-burger naow?
http://verydemotivational.memebase.com/2011/02/04/demotivational-posters-abstinence/
It is a snorg tee – you possibly go it from here:
http://www.snorgtees.com/abstinence-99-99-effective
Hilarious
I saw it retweeted from here: http://twitter.com/ProSexTips/status/33987528579088385, but a quick Twitter search reveals that this one was first (about 8h earlier): http://twitter.com/#!/MinouChatte/status/33866218603683840
Many years ago, I saw a Second City performance that included a sketch of Joseph and a very pregnant Mary talking to a marriage counselor. THe following exchange takes place:
Counselor: “Well, Mary, who IS the father?”
Mary: “The Man upstairs.”
Joseph: “You slept with the LANDLORD?”
Almost as good as the portrayal of the conception of Jesus as depicted in National Lampoon’s “Son-O’-God Comics” – a dove flies up Mary’s dress.
Ho ho!
Practicing sexual abstinence is obviously 100% effective against pregnancy.
Teaching sexual abstinence… Not so much.
It teenagers could be taught to abstain there would be a lot fewer humans on this planet. Good luck with that sales job. The sex drive is one of our strongest drives, or we wouldn’t be here. For teenagers it’s stronger than the survival instinct. But speaking of sales jobs, I’ve always wondered about the story that Mary told Joseph. If your girlfriend laid that line on you, would you believe her? Now that would take an act of faith, or gullibility beyond belief.
Runar
I remember Son-O-God comic!
wow. are you ever old.
‘A teenage erection has no conscience…’
Damn, Coca-Cola hurts coming out the nose.
Does anyone remember the Cook & Moore sketch “Gospel truth”? I think that was part of “The Secret Policeman’s Ball”.
Here’s part one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6phIWxmF0k
A Xian acquaintance found it worse than Life of Brian.
@Darwin Harmless, I’m going to be a little charitable towards Joseph (if he existed) and suggest he took the story in for Mary’s protection, even if it was an arranged marriage. Unwed mothers (then and now) have never been looked on favorably or treated well by society.
hehehehehehehehehhe
If all christians would go along with this abstinence thing, children will only get born if god really wants it. It’s the perfect solution to all our problems ๐
@ Runar ~ Son of God comics ~ LOL LOL ^^! ~ THAT is a blast from the past ~ My favorite panel was when young Jesus asked his parents for a “ham sandwhich and a glass of milk” although the look on Mary’s face when the dove flew up her dress is pretty priceless too ~~^^!
@ author ~ another great strip !! thanks for the morning laugh!!
I made the following comment back in 2007:
“I think it’s funny how the Christian right promotes abstinence, while also requiring people to believe that it doesn’t prevent pregnancy. Yes, I’m referring to the Mary incident.”
I wish ALL christians would practice abstinence.
Love your work J&M.
I don’t get it. Surely the whole point of the Jesus conception story was that Mary had been sleeping around, and Joseph, being a gullible cuckold, swallowed her spiel about holy spirits and angels, etc? Family honour being more important than facts, everyone toed the line and peddled the myth ever after.
In one of the Apocrypha Joseph is mentioned as Jesus reaches adulthood: “Verily, he was shamed to behold his son, for it was the face and bearing of a tax collector that Jesus bore. Whom such was witnessed in Nazareth, calling at the house of Joseph when he was newly wed unto Mary. Joseph at that time being down the temple with his bluds, shootin’ pool, innit.”
kiyaroru – thanks for making me feel old.
kikainonakanoyuurei – and the follow-up line: “Joseph, I have a feeling you should consider us ENGAGED.” The expression on the dove is pretty good, too.
I have the entire run of National Lampoon on DVD. Got it used for twenty bucks at Amazon. That particular adventure is in the December 1974 issue.
Cygnia: “Iโm going to be a little charitable towards Joseph (if he existed) and suggest he took the story in for Maryโs protection, even if it was an arranged marriage. Unwed mothers (then and now) have never been looked on favorably or treated well by society.”
You’re absolutely right. Mary was raped by a roman soldier and was pregnant from it. She and Joseph cooked up a story (one that had been retold for hundreds of years, out of Egypt) about how ‘god’ immaculately conceived Jebus. (a.k.a. god raped her). The punishment for childbirth out of wedlock in those times was to be stoned to death. So she and Joe fled to Egypt regardless of their story.
I do so miss “The Son of God” — I remember when the pope was evangelizing all the blacks in the USA & the Son of God turned them into real Christians again by the miraculous multiplication of cornbread and catfish (after which he was lynched by the Klan as an “outside agitator”).
Good times!
You can barely teach teenagers to read
Even couch potatoes manage to breed
But when video games
Have virtual dames
That’s all humanities’ vegetation will need.
awesome clip ,..never ever heard this version hehehe!!
Just got back. Mrs Brains and I laughed out loud. Excellent.
lol.. “your mum”. that was funny as hell..or as heaven. whatever :))
I hate to nitpick (no I don’t really) since this made me guffaw but, strictly speaking, denying that abstinence is the only 100% effective method of birth control means that there is another 100% effective method, not that abstinence is ineffective.
I’ll get m’coat.
abstinance is 100% efective against STDs and pregancy
however, it’s 100% impossible to abstinant – so obessing about an impractical solution doesn’t solve any part of the problem.
and, as any teenager can tell adults – the more taboo a thing is, the more attractive it is.
so, making sex a non-issue through education
Ok, so God have some sort of divine immaculate intercourse with Mary who gives birth to Jesus. Jesus is God. Ergo Jesus slips it to his mom… Jesus is the original muthafukker. It’s all right there in the Bible…
Congratulations on the first use of that punchline that was actually funny. ๐
@Ellie – I hate to be pedantic at pedants (lie! I live for it!) but strictly speaking, denying that abstinence is the only 100% effective method of birth control could either mean that there is another 100% effective method, or that abstinence is not 100% effective.
So there.
This one is great!!!
Funny thing is sex before marriage isn’t even considered a sin and is not mentioned at all as a law. The greek word pornea that was translated. Into fornication actually meant “unmarital unfaithfulness” – also premarital sex is not in the 10 commandments and many of the bible prophets, kings and even abraham himself had sex with eother another women who wasn’t their wife or premarital sex…look at isaac – premarital sex isn’t a sin or a law and if anyone ever actually read the bible they’d see that
@DNME. The immaculate conception was OF Mary, not BY Mary.
I know, I should get out more, etc.
@daoloth
“The immaculate conception was OF Mary, not BY Mary.
I know, I should get out more, etc.”
Quite right. A common mistake is the the conception of Jesus is what is meant by ‘the immaculate conception’, but is actually called the ‘Annunciation’.
The early Christians got themselves into all sorts of theological knots with Mary being a mortal human and thus inherently impure and sinful. They thus decided to make her exempt from Original Sin by special order of God (immaculate). She was deemed to have been chosen by him as the vessel for Jesus’ arrival into the World, even before she was conceived.
Intelligent Designer
makes you wonder why the Jesus stories didn’t copy the Zeus/Athena story where she just popped out of his head without the need for a mother character
or parentless Aphrodite rising from the sea on the half-shell…..
This is in really poor taste… all for a cheap “joke”? And you people wonder why religious nut-balls run around killing people? For your next joke why don’t you go poke a hornet’s nest with a short stick.
@Damon Davenport – Your mum.
@Damon Davenport
So, when those “nut-balls” riot, rampage and kill over some trifling cartoons, you would blame the cartoonists – again. I think you should adjust your perspective.
That they chose to take offence does not lessen their responsibility for those crimes. It DOES underline THEIR intolerance of opposing views.
Recognise the hyperbolic offence-taking of the religious for what it is: Ill-tempered bullying. When you side with bullies, the only thing you’re exhibiting is your own cowardice.
Uncritical “respect” is all unreasonable beliefs need to thrive; by giving it, you’ve become an unwitting ally of those “nut-balls” and the doctrines they follow. When insane and harmful beliefs are held beyond reason, mockery IS an appropriate response. We need much more of that and much less naive appeasement.
Effectiveness figures of other methods of contraception do include the effects of things like forgetting to take pills, so the effectiveness figure for abstinence should include the effects of sworn abstainers having sex. Counting that, it’s nowhere near 100% effective, and miles behind any other contraceptive.
@ James: i do seem to recall, however, the only nutballs to get real crazy over some cartoons of their beloved leader issued a ‘fatwa’ against the cartoonist for the rest of his now miserable life spent in hiding…and I don’t think they were christians.
@ gr8skpz
Yes, today you can reliably predict what religion someone follows when you see this kind of behaviour. However, we should not lose sight of what the underlying problem is.
The problem is they’re bullies. They think themselves entitled to demand submission. They think they have the right to forcibly impose their piety on any dissenter. They think their own will is automatically right and just.
In their minds, the appearance of a blaspheming infidel is an opportunity to serve Allah’s perfect law. To the victims of this great flowering of pious intolerance – and to any ethically competent observer – they’re a band of thugs serving a domineering cult of subjugation.
This totalitarianism comes straight out of Islam’s foundations; the faith needs MAJOR reform for this reason. But it would also be wrong if it came from any other source – as it often has from other religious and political systems.
This is the point that has to be hammered home: Religious freedom means nobody gets someone else’s rules of piety rammed down their throat. This mustn’t be done TO you OR BY YOU; if your rules of piety demand you do this to others, you better change them. Muslims should attend to this project NOW.
As for fatwas, you get this kind of thuggery with or without them. One of the scariest things about Islam is how its followers police the faith without the need for officials. I’ll grant you rabble rousing can be a tremendous catalyst for this evil, though.
ha ha ha I am a Muslim, so I shouldn’t appreciate this comic showing the prophet. But heck, it is freakin’ hilarious!!!
@onlymuslimonthesite – Glad you enjoyed, but really what’s the big deal with portraying Mo? Not all Muslim sects feel the same way. And artists have been portraying Mo for centuries, only to have lots of these works purposely damaged later on.
Oh, I don’t know about sources, but i laughed like a horse for a bit. The idea is fairly obvious, but it works best in this exact “dialogue->your mom” form.
RJ, you’re mistaking American-English for a language! Mum’s the word.
Well I guess if muhammed fathered Jesus..(which would be difficult 620 years later…..I guess Jesus got it right and got the good genes….went from a murderering, raping, pedophile to the “light of man”, thats a pretty good example of experience over genetics!
> I remember Son-O-God comic! wow. are you ever old.
He walks down the street and someone sees his long hair and says “Ecch, homo!”
And at christmas they had the Special Origin Issue
And in a parody of Mad Magazine:
When i wuz smart i red the nashinal lampoon but now i reed Mad.
–Charly
Intelligent Designer:
OK, now that they made Mary’s mother a virgin, they have to go back to Eve before the fall to produce a woman without stain of original sin enough to bear God. A whole line of parthenogenic females.
This explains why Jesus was actually a woman in reverse drag. Obviously she could not tramp around Judea as a woman. And the relationship with Mary Magdalene indicates
that Jesus was a lesbian.
Virgin Birth
https://crasch.livejournal.com/35827.html
or
<https://crasch.livejournal.com/35827.html?/
Oral conception. Impregnation via the proximal gastrointestinal tract in a patient with an aplastic distal vagina. Case repor