bell
May 30th, 2012
Jesus is so mild.
UPDATE: I should mention our new “50% to charity scheme” for J&M book sales. Every month, we pledge to donate 50% of book sales profits to a different Worthy Cause. This month (ie, from now till the end of June), it’s the Sanal Edamaruku Defence Fund. You can read Sanal’s story here.
Ha! The wishes of the Almighty do seem to coincide suspiciously often with those of to whom he speaks.
Another zinger author, bravo.
Didn’t jesus only eat fish? Oh, I forgot he never existed!
Am I first? Surely I can’t be first!? ;=))
On a serious note, dear Author – I have today finally finished reading Jesus&Mo, from the very beginning (including many witty & thoughtful comments – O.K. and some pretty stupid ones), as I mentioned in my email on registering. I stand in awe of your ability to consistently excel your previous heights of succintity. If Tolstoy had had your skill, ‘War And Peace’ would have been about 20 pages long, and countless trees would still live.
Cheers.
I think this was the first time I genuinely felt sorry for the, er, body double. Voices in one’s head are no fun, even if they occasionally steer one towards a good meal.
Well, as long as it isn’t a McDonald’s happy meal Mo should be happy.
Is Jesus a Buddhist? He does seem to appreciate good Korma…
@Lia: *groan*
Boy George’s favourite curry? Korma Chameleon.
OK, I’m sorry.
Author, you wouldn’t perchance be building up to a morning-after fart joke (almost called it a ‘gag’ there, but oh, the connotations!), would you? Humour may be subjective, but a fart joke is always funny.
Best strip bar naan….
Mo sounds like Sheldon Cooper. “Thursday night is pizza night.” “It’s Monday – we always have oatmeal for breakfast on Monday.”
What are the black spots on Mo’s face? Did he get buboes every time the bell rang?
Wednesday night is curry night
The prophets are always right
Salvation and curry are on the menu
For the very chosen few
Praise to the restaurant, showing infidels light.
Sorry Mo, but I was guided to an invisible tablet buried in the woods that I was able to read with some magic glasses that I also found, and the invisible tablet said Wednesday night is actually pizza night, and also that it was written by God himself. And then I lost it. And the glasses. That trumps your lame revelation with no physical evidence, mine has physical evidence that I just happened to lose.
@AoS – it has been a while since the last fart joke. I’ll see if I can brew something up.
@OB – he’s *flushed* with the trauma of revelation!
RavenBlack; but an EEG would show unusual activity in Mo’s temporal lobe whilst he’s communicating with Allah, therefore his tangible physical evidence would trump your lost physical evidence. Call it a draw and share a curry pizza.
Author, I look forward to it.
If I may, a little rhyme my grandad used to recite to me all those years ago;
‘A fart, a fart, is a wonderful thing
For it puts the belly at ease.
It helps to warm the bed at night,
And scares away the fleas’.
@AoS – good call if he was on an EEG at the time, but since he wasn’t all he has is missed physical evidence that nobody claims to have seen, whereas Joseph Smith has allegedly lost physical evidence that one person claims to have seen. π
Regardless, a curry pizza is a fine solution. If only all the religions could come up with handy compromise agreements like that. “Thou shalt not kill non-atheists” would probably work pretty well for all of them.
RavenBlack; true, but Mo still has the advantage of being able to go to the hospital the next time he feels a bout of TLE…. er, sorry…, a conversation with Allah coming on (Jesus would at least get to drive for once), whereas it’s too late for poor old Hat Face to re-locate his long-lost evidence.
So, a curry pizza for two it is then, with a side order of Madonna (that’s ‘Poppadom Preach’ by the way. Yes, I know. My shamed head is hung lower than Dirk Diggler).
I think “Thou shalt not kill atheists” would be fine by me. Let the gods take care of their own I say.
Agree with Heathen; another good one, author. I see a conundrum with Jesus giving an order to Mo, who relays the order to Jibril, who only takes orders from god and communication from Mo, but is expected to supply the order from Jesus for Chicken Korma and supply the order from Mo for whatever Mo wants. Angel Jibril’s head must be spinning like a topβ¦
Seems Mo’s trying to curry favor with Allah and Jesus!
Alla will surely rice above it all…
I hear Mo’s double can recite the whole curry menu off by heart. In Arabic. He learned it in a (Chicken) Madrassa…
Too many curry puns, I would rather have naan of them.
Chicken Korma! I always go for the Tarka Daal. It is a little bit ‘otter than most curries.
@ Tim – I saw what you did there. Can you see yourself out? π
So the meek and mild chicken korma eaters with inherit the earth?
Maybe Jesus enthused about the korma on the mount and it was misheard as the sermon on the mount?
Sorry but, Aloo akbar anyone?
Look, you guys started it. The reason farts smell – it’s for the benefit of the deaf.
So there you are in your old Chevy when the catalytic converter decides to burp out its excess sulfur (an obsolete problem I hope). You don’t quite understand how to deal with this new EPA regulation, so what to do? You might say, “Hey, that wasn’t me!” She thinks, well, who is left? Or if you really are too well bonded to your male buddies, you’d say, “Was that you?” This is when you convert to the nearest religion and start praying for one of those one-time miracles, like when god is too busy helping a high school kid win the basketball game to stop a tornado or earthquake.
Farts are god’s gift to wallflowers. By the way, being very naive, I still don’t know if they are flammable and can be lit upon exit
Why, that curry was so hot it burned me twice.
And as the teamsters say, “Better to burp and taste it than to fart and waste it”.
Thanks, I’ll be here all week, please over tip your waitress, but don’t tip her over.
Poor Richard
Yes they can be lit but wear a pair of tight jeans or similar to act as a flashback arrestor.
Farts are mostly swallowed air, with variable amounts of fermentation products – a mixture of nitrogen, carbon dioxide, oxygen, hydrogen, methane, and hydrogen sulphide, the last 3 of which are combustible. Only the last has any odour (rotten eggs) though of course any trapped gas will be prettery sewerish in character, and this will not be ‘burnt off’. Especially if trapped in trousers, the flame can ‘strike back’ and burn hair and sensitive tissues, so don’t try this at home.
Little Known Fact – it is the source of the 60s band name, Georgie Fame and the Blue Flames.
A quote from Spike Milligan’s war memoirs: ‘Skilled exponents could scorch a Tudor rose on the wall.’
Ok, as farts seem to be flavour of the day (so to speak), dredged from the depths of my memory is this ode to bottom gas, as recorded and performed by Ivor Biggun and the Red-Nosed Burglars* (seriously..look it up!) around the late 1970’s.
I’ve farted, I’ve farted
I’ve made a trouser-cough
I’ve whistled in me Y-Fronts
I’ve just peeled one off.
I’ve blown my bloody brains out
I’ve been eating beans.
I’ve broken wind, I’ve dropped my guts,
Open the window please.
*Also responsible for ‘The Winker Song’ (“I’m a wanker / I’m a wanker / And it does me good / Like it bloody well should”..etc), and one called ‘I wish I was’. I don’t recall all the words but one verse sticks, written as it was in honour of Joyce McKinney ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mormon_sex_in_chains_case ).
“I wish I was a mirror / On that Mormon lady’s bedroom wall / And all the really mucky things / You read about in mucky books / I would see them all”
Author, long time viewer, first time poster. Small annoying point, is it possible to enlarge the ‘next, previous’ (etc) buttons as they are small & fiddly to click on next to the share button.
This cartoon seems to refer to the alleged tendency of the body-double – remarked on by one of his wives – to have revelations which met his immediate desires.
On a separate note, the last few episodes have been harder on the crescent crowd. Must be about time to even things up a bit. Perhaps the blasphemy charge brought against Sanal Edamaruku for identifying the physics of a local ‘miracle’ might spark the muse.l
I love Jesus & Mo. So funny, clever & philosophically erudite. I’ve found that both Jesus & Mo are very endearing too.
I just finished reading the archives, hoping for a ‘toon for June! Well, now I just have to be patient.
UncoBob, the case to which you refer was pre-empted (foreseen?) about 25 years or so ago in the wonderful ‘Only Fools and Horses’ episode, the name of which I forget but is surely easily found on youtube, where Del brings the ‘weeping’ Madonna to the attention of the world’s press, despite knowing the phenomena’s very non-miraculous cause.
@AoS That would be “The Miracle of Peckham” http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL957110FDEE5B1FDB
@Hotrats
When I break wind there’s usually more than a pleasant hint of whatever I’d been eating beforehand. This fine aroma is surely additional to the hydrogen sulfide?
IanB, that’s the one, cheers. As scams go, it was up there with his ”Peckham Spring’ water.
@MrGronk:
Very little makes it through the chemical, enzymatic and bacterial composting systems of the gut without significant ‘fragrance modulation’. Recognisable odours of beans or cabbage would mostly be their fermentation products, rather than any original characteristic smell remaining in the resulting sludge.
However pungent foods, especially when poorly digested, can bring their own extra notes to the overall nose, with the bouquets of egg, cheese and curry spices battling valiantly through against the odds.
Your evident appreciation of your own whiff reminds me of an old saying: there are no bad smells, only interesting or boring ones.
Hotrats, “there are no bad smells, only interesting or boring ones.”
There speaks one who I dare say has never shared a tent with three vegetarians. And they had the nerve to moan about the smell of my breakfast bacon! Fucking boy scouts with hippy principles; who’d a’thunk it?
AoS:
ya, just an old saying, not one of mine… my cat can clear a room in seconds with a silent depth charge, and not because the smell is particularly boring or interesting.
SACRILEGE, you damned heathens……. curry night is Thursday night, evil blasphemers!
@hotrats
After eating various vegetables in brassica family I can have farts that smell just like boiling cabbage.
But that only proves that there are same type of olifactory chemicals in brassica-fart and fumes of boiling cabbage. Do gut process and boiling produce those or are they ones that get through both systems unharmed is something that some scientist might want to find out.
NES
@evillittlething-Jesus did exist but not as the son of god/messiah he is portrayed as